mumble shmumble

Slash and Ellen Degeneres Just Goofing Around

hello lj. i've been neglecting you for what, 2 months?

hohum.

visit my tabulas.

i intend to delete this account                                 pohon.



maybe.


XD

Ara, Chloe, Epot, Sarah and moi were drinking and having a jolly time in Lola Liang's Karaokehan when an ex of mine texted again for the nth time. He admitted his being an asshole and asked me to forgive him. He 'fessed me stuff and I told him to stop the crap. I was so tired of this guy's drama.  Hours later, I checked my mail and I saw that he requested to be my friend on friendster. I decided to send him a message which I hope he will be able to understand. I hope I wasn't too rude. Here it goes:

I'm sorry I won't add you to my friends list. I think it's better that we won't pretend to be friends as if nothing happened between us before. These are the consequences of the things you did to me a long time ago. It's all over. You said it was over a long time ago. Now it's for real, over na talaga, no matter how sorry you are, no matter how much you want to tell me that you want me back.

You may say that you have almost everything now. You have your job, money and your family intact. You should be happy with that. I'm sorry but I cannot be an addition to them. I am perfectly happy with the one I have right now and my loyalty is bound to that person as if I have never loved before in my life. I am sure that this person whom I have right now will respect me and give me the kind of love that I deserve and I have already made up my mind that her lips will be the last ones that I will kiss. Her body will be the last one that I will make love to and her soul the only  one I will ever feel this kind of union with.

You may have hurt me a lot in the past but none of that matters to me now, in fact, nothing you say or do matters at all. I am just sending you this so you will stop hoping, stop texting me, stop everything. If you do love me still,let me be free to be with my beloved. It is for her that I am alive right now. She wiped my tears when you were away, cried when you hurt me, and she kissed all the hurt away. I don't care anymore if the rest of the world will hate me for this relationshop.

I still respect you just for the fact that you are a human being and that you said you are sorry. You may not deserve it, but please don't lose this last shred of respect I've spared for you.

too lazy. too goddamn lazy to copy and past tabulas entries into lj.
wehe.

'What will your obituary say?' at QuizGalaxy.com

I'm back.Back from home. Back home. Ewan.

Tagbilaran is a cool place if you've got no folks there. I go "home" there because I want to be with my loved ones (siblings, my obese dog, my pc, my books) and because I don't have to worry about my next meal.I get to breathe fresh air and drink coliform-free water. I get to watch cable tv. I get to have a surreal view of the sunset&a slowly glowing moon on a white sand beach with the love of my life but I can't kiss or hug her because my extended family who are watching me like hawks might choke on their food or fall flat on their faces. The bananas aren't for sale there and so are the camote-Qs.

Cebu the deemed queen city of the south is a mini Manila. It's a polis which I hated since childhood but a place I now call "home". I go here because my school is here and the people who understand and/or tolerate me are here. I get to breathe air loaded with CFC's, eat chicken shit, and be myself.The ripe bananas are P5 each and one camote-Q is P6. I'd rather be in this jaded city than in a place where nature's bounty tries to compensate for the ugly hypocrisy of the majority of its dwellers.
I know my ancestors who are burning in their respective infernos will curse me for this entry but i don't care a flying wombat about them with the exception of Lola Luisa (who tried to convince me that I'm not a loser, just a geek and that I should read more books and drink more calamansi juice). She will always be remembered.

I survived four death metal bands last friday at Lamdag Sorority's mini concert which was dubbed "Ka-Churvahan sa Lamdag". I felt like crying when they played their "music". They were just there to show off their skills, not to entertain.
AND
Nami pud ilambos. ipuspos, ipudpod, ilunod, isunog ang Amboy vocalist in one of those pa-astig bands because he was flirting with Chloe. I wanted to give him a good kick in the balls but I just grabbed Chloe by the waist. If he shows his face to me again, patay siya nako. Mwahahahah.
.....
I just moved out of my apartment and I'm now boarding in this place kilid sa UP Library. It's not that sanitary, the landladies are misers, guys ang kuyog nako sa first floor but I don't care. I'll sleep with a knife under my pillow again. I like the aura of this place better and I have a window! And trees too! In Cebu City! I took my first nap there this noon and I heard the crunching of leaves and a cat meowing outside. Babaw kaayo paminawon but it's simple stuff like these that really make my day.
.....
Ate Medz of LFS told me "lingaw kaayo ka nga pagkabata. You seem as if wala gyud ka'y problema. I always see a smile of content on your face. Sure ka tawo ka?"
I think.

the need for sin
itching in your brain
like a scab on a child's knee

At last! Happy feet is showing in Ayala. I wish I could see it with my sibs on the big screen. weeeeee! He's so cute. I'm a sucker for cuddly and flabby animals. Couldn't help sawing "awww...." everytime I see the diorama and the trailer. wehehe

life is sweet. it may be really shitty at times but still, life is sweet.

After crying my eyes out last night in computerun, I went to Chloe's place and watched the Omen (found it boring but i watched it anyways because of Julia Stiles) with her. Then I had a mild fever and to make things worse, an ex suddenly texts me and I tried to shoo him by waving blackmail. I treated him as if he were just shit (no, worse, he is a fly: a shit-worshipper).

Tired of reality,I went to dreamland with Wynken, Blynken and Nod. We sailed on a wooden shoe and flew over rooftops, paid homage to Luna, went to Hades and had tea and marmalade sandwiches with Death.

Then I woke up and felt my angel's arms around me.

Heaven on Earth.

I hate ranting about her this way. It makes her seem like an irrational hot-tempered bitch. I love her and she has been a responsible mom to us kids but there are times when she really would refuse to understand because she thinks she always knows what is best for me, for her, for everybody. Never wrong. Her pride always gets in the way. I hate her goddamn pride, but not her. Whenever I go home, I try to reach out, let her know bit by bit the Zyra who's been hiding under the blanket for twelve years. As always, things go ugly and what's left are memories of emotional bloodshed, stabmarks on my closet, and scars on my wrists.

I guess staying here in Cebu is way better than studying in Bohol. This bustling, polluted city has been my sanctuary for two years now from the person I fear most: her. I can even breathe easier here despite the dirty air. Perhaps it is only through each other's absence that we could be free to love each other without much pain. Perhaps it is through this semi-long distance that we could have an ounce of peace in our hearts.

I hurts me so much that she doesn't even realize that I've been trying so hard in my acads last semester so she could be a little bit proud of me. Now, I just want to tear my printed grades and cry until they ship me off to the looney bin.



Tonight, I'll sail on a wooden shoe with Wynken, Blynken and Nod and I wish I'll never ever come back.

1. 2am. I was in Mandaue for the first time with my bud, Tey. In the mini polis I found men pissing and pooping in the streets. Tey found love. He found a sweet creature whom I hope will take good care of his heart.I was tipsy, a bit sick but it was all good. Thanks kuya, for the company, the red horse, the congee, and the friendship.
2. 9am. Snuggled with my beloved.Ahh....
3. 4pm. Went to school and got my grades. Weeeeeeeeeeeee! I got more than what I expected. My acads improved a lot, thanks to the many people who inspire me to do better. Sadly, I can't shift to B.A. Psych this sem so I'll just take minors muna. It's either I move to UP Diliman or stay. ewan.


Ye, gods.

i am supposed to feel relieved that i've accomplished a lot of stuff today.

i am the daughter of a college prof

a mathematics college prof
who specializes in higher levels of calculus
who loves me
who is pained that her spawn doesn't share her passion for numbers
who just called
to tell me
to poke my prof's butts and check my acads standing and see
if they are decent
if i passed ladot's class
who is not aware that

i am thankful for her calling me
but
i am supposed to feel relieved that i've accomplished a lot of stuff today.
and that
i am tired

so tired

of these calls.
and i really really want
to hang up on her when she mentions the dreaded four-letter word
so i could hear nothing but the silence
and so i could say
i love you too, ma.

Was swimming in my ocean of scratch papers yesterday and i found a copy of a poem i wrote for my lit3 poetry reading. just to scare some of my prim and proper, uber religious classmates whom i found really annoying.

If longing
For a fellow Eve is Wrong…
Should I be burnt at the stake?

Is this evil, my desire?
To smell her ebony hair
To stroke her pierced earlobes
To taste her breath?

Is this a sin
This longing of mine?
To rid of the shackles of conformity
To flee from tradition’s lord: normalcy?
To cut the fingers that point as if to condemn
To stitch the lips that
Mock me, Tell me
That I am just have the woman I am supposed to be

Tell me, am I as putrid and disgusting as your filth

Because I love her?
Because I am not scared
To say that
I am scared?

If this is a Sin
This longing of mine,
Let my blood seep into the black earth
Pulverize my bones
For if my freedom costs
Burning in the cold fires of Hades
The let me be
For I’d rather sin
Than let her, let myself go.

NO MORE MATH!

for now...

I just finished taking my math exams. My neck hurts but I feel great! It's like taking a leak after three days of holding it in. Whew! My head is still throbbing from the 4-hour test my diabolical prof prepared. I'll let the booze flow tonight and welcome Bacchus into my veins.

............................................................................

A friend (who ignored me for months {twas kinda my fault, i think}) YM'd me a while ago. It's been a long time since we've last conversed. I had to apologize for deleting her. I did it so I wouldn't be able to contact her. (my persistence is very annoying). Yey! I have a friend back.

............................................................................

have to go...will continue this entry later

will wait for the golden moment when the alchohol kicks in. wohoo!